It's crazy how things can change in one year

One year ago today, at approximately 5PM Mountain time, my world was shattered and life as I knew it ceased to exist.

For those who know me, you know that there had been several life defining moments in my young 31 years. The big difference this time was that my rock, my best friend, the one person that was there for me each time before, was what I lost.

In the last year, here is what I have learned:

• These life defining moments are stepping stones. The only option is to keep moving forward.
• Marshall taught me that I am strong, he let me be independent, and he let me fall apart when I needed. Everyone needs someone with whom they can completely be themselves.
• While I will cherish the 10 years I was fortunate enough to spend with Marshall, I know that I have someone looking over me. And when certain songs come on the radio that seem to speak to the situation I am in, I know that Marshall is sending me a message.
• Life is too short to surround yourself with negativity, people that don't value you the way you value them, to have regrets, or to not enjoy life.
• I am very blessed with my family and friends, old and new. Do not take anyone for granted, you never know when they will no longer be around. 
• Laugh often, forgive quickly, love hard, and smile through the tears.

 I have included my original post from last year below.

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I have been told many times that I should write a book about my life, and surviving cancer. About a month ago, I added a new chapter to my "story" and figured I would write a blog post once it played out. I was diagnosed with Gallbladder disease and told I needed to have my gallbladder removed. But then about three weeks ago, my "story" came to a screeching halt. Let me start at the beginning.

My husband, Marshall, and I flew to New Mexico on October 3, for my brother's wedding in Ruidoso. It was a wonderful weekend with my family. We stayed in a cabin with my parents, my sister, and her fiance. We watched Tres and Liz exchange vows, and partied into the night with them. Tres also had the DJ play our song (Randy Travis' Forever, and Ever, Amen), so we could dance. It was truly a memorable event that I was glad to be a part of.

Marshall, my sister, future brother-in-law, and I headed back to my parents house on Sunday night, since Marshall had a flight back Atlanta the next afternoon. We had a great night watching movies and eating pizza. The next day we had planned a trip to the Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta,  and a quick trip out to Moriarty, so Marshall could "walk the land" we were planning to buy.

I woke up that morning with horrible indigestion. Traci and Jeroen weren't wanting to wake up earlier either, plus the balloons had been grounded due to weather. We finally got up and about and headed to Albuquerque. We decided to head to Marshall's favorite restaurant for breakfast, and then run post-wedding errands for the newlywed's, then out to Moriarty. By the time we dropped Marshall off at the airport, I was feeling pretty bad again. We headed back to my parents and they had just gotten home. By about 6PM, I was feeling horrible and had thrown up twice. This is very unusual for me. Marshall called to tell me he had landed in Las Vegas (his connection) and I told him I was headed to Urgent Care. He offered to turn around, but I told him he needed to head home and go make money.

When I got to urgent care they were concerned I was having a cardiac event and called for an ambulance. Two hours later I was headed to Albuquerque for the second time that day, where I waited several hours for the cardiac tests. Several more hours later Marshall made it home, and was ready to head back. Again, I told him that he needed to go to work the next day. I had an ultrasound done, and the doctor saw TONS of gallstones.

Long story short (sorry, it was already LONG), I had a hard time getting in to see a surgeon just for the consult. Marshall and I decided I would stay in New Mexico, since the doctors were already getting the ball rolling for my surgery, and if I headed home, I may be waiting longer. I finally got my surgery scheduled for October 18 (six days after I was supposed to fly home) in Rio Rancho, about an hour drive from my parents' house.

On the day of the surgery, it turns out my gallbladder was A LOT worse than the doctor's originally thought, and the operation took a little longer than the surgeon thought. While I was having surgery, Marshall was meeting with a Workman's Comp doctor. He had pulled his neck/back while working in the freezer at the grocery store where he works. (He had recently been named frozen food manager in September). His doctor told him he needed to stay home from work and could return on Monday, October 22, on light duty.

I guess his neck/back was still bothering him, because he went home early that day, and called me before 7PM Georgia time to tell me he was going to bed. He generally did not go to bed until around 11PM. I didn't think too much about it. Tuesday, he was supposed to go to work, and then see his Workman's Comp doctor that afternoon. Tuesday morning I texted him, as I figured he was at work. A couple hours later, I tried calling him. Still no answer. I figured he was busy at work. After several calls throughout the day, around 5PM Georgia time, I called my neighbor across the street and asked him to go see if the truck was at the house. Doug called back to say the truck was parked at the back door, and the house was locked up tight. He and his wife walked around calling Marshall's name, with no luck.

My mom called the store to find out if Marshall had gone in that day, but it turns out he called in sick. I told Doug to do what he could to try and get into the house. I knew it would be hard, since Marshall had that house locked up tight. All windows are screwed shut, and the doors were reinforced. My mom called the non-emergency police and told them what was going on, and asked that they send an officer over to assist Doug. After trying and failing to get the hinges taken off the back door, Doug was able to slide the guard on the A/C window unit over in the bedroom window, and see Marshall laying on the bed. The police officer with them called the paramedics.

I then told Doug to do whatever he could to get the door open. Once they got into the house, it was determined that Marshall had passed away in his sleep.

He was 57 years old, and other than the neck and back issue, as far as I knew, he was healthy.

The worst part has been losing my best friend, and being in Georgia without him. My mom flew with me to Atlanta that Thursday, and my aunt (who unfortunately lost her husband on August 5) drove in from Texas on Saturday. Marshall wanted to be cremated and did not want a funeral. We had a celebration of his life on Sunday at a local restaurant. It was exactly what I think he would want. There were some tears, but there was also laughing and a lot of stories. I think he was looking over us and beaming.

I have several family trips planned over the next month, and will head home to New Mexico for Christmas and New Years. The holidays were our favorite, so this will be pretty hard, but I am doing my very best to hang in here.

Maybe someday I will write this book, and it will be dedicated to the greatest man I have ever known. He was my best friend, and while he annoyed me more than I would like to admit, he taught me patience, love, and how to be my independent self. That is probably the best gift he ever gave me, he encouraged me to be me.

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UPDATE: I learned in January that the cause of Marshall's death was Cardiomyopathy, or an enlarged heart. We did not know that he had a heart condition, but as my sister said "aww, he died of a big heart."

Honey Nut Wrap

I recently had a Honey Nut wrap at Infusion Tea in Orlando. It was so good, I had to try and recreate it! Here is my version.

Start with a whole wheat tortilla and your favorite nut butter. I found crunchy almond butter at my local store. Spread the nutter butter on the tortilla.

Cut a banana in half crosswise, and then in half again lengthwise. Layer these over the nut butter.

Cut 1-2 strawberries, depending on size (and size of tortilla) into 1/2 inch pieces (or bigger, your choice) and then add those over and around the bananas.

Sprinkle the bananas and strawberries with your favorite granola.

Drizzle your favorite honey over the granola, strawberries, and bananas.

Roll up and enjoy!

So glad to put 2012 behind me

This is a blog I have been planning to write for a while. Instead of rambling like I am sure I generally do, I will just say that 2012 sucked big time. There were some glimmers of silver lining around the huge, dark clouds, but those clouds were so big, it was hard for the sunlight to get through.

First off, Marshall and I were in a pretty bad car accident. We were very lucky to walk away with just scrapes and bruises. The car was not so lucky. But that's okay, it was just a car, and we had another one we could share. This was a character building experience.

Later, I lost my Uncle Tim. He passed away from an infection in August. He had been diagnosed with cancer, and as a fellow cancer survivor, I took his death rather hard. I should have been there for him, checking in and finding out what I could do to help. Instead, I found myself in our local catholic church, praying for forgiveness and strength for my Aunt Kathy.

In October, I was diagnosed with gallbladder disease while in New Mexico, and needed emergency (as emergent as could be scheduled) surgery. Marshall and I had been home for my brother's wedding, and he had to get back to work here in Georgia. When he learned that I needed surgery, he offered to fly back to be with me, but I told him I was in good hands with my parents. 10 days after my diagnosis, I finally had my gallbladder removed, and 5 days later, Marshall passed away in our home.

Next, my dad was hospitalized in early November for pneumonia. He went back and forth between being out of it and cognizant, such to the point that the doctors decided he needed to be sedated so his body could heal. He was placed into essentially a medically-induced coma for several days, and then they weaned him off the sedation to see how he was doing. It seemed the less sedative they gave him, the harder it was for him to come out of it. He did get better, and was taken out of the ICU for a couple of days, but ended up back in there after a series of seizures. They ended up having to put him back in the coma, and on life support, in early December.

It was decided to move my dad into hospice, and remove him from the life support, as that was not what he wanted. He was extubated and moved to hospice around 3PM on December 10. My mom, Traci, Reed and I were there with family and close friends when my dad took his last breath at 4:40PM.

All of the above could be seen as character building, and stepping stones on my path. I am not sure where that path may lead, but I am very sad to know that the two greatest men in my life will no longer be walking beside me. I do know that there is a grander plan, and scheme, and that all three of these men are guiding and protecting me from above.

And while 2012 sucked, I have faith that 2013 will be a better year.